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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25216795">when the party is over</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowtravelingtitans/pseuds/Shadowtravelingtitans'>Shadowtravelingtitans</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:01:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,535</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25216795</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowtravelingtitans/pseuds/Shadowtravelingtitans</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He just didn’t think it would be as earth shattering to lose someone who never even belonged to you. He feels the heaviness settle in his chest and loneliness creep into his bones as the only sounds that surround him are his sobs echoing off the walls. </p>
<p>He only squeezed his legs tighter.</p>
<p>Or</p>
<p>Sometimes the people we love don't love us in return.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Armin Arlert/Annie Leonhart, Armin Arlert/Bertolt Hoover</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>when the party is over</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“God, I want to die.”</p>
<p>Is the only thought Armin speaks out loud as he slides down the door of his apartment. He’s exhausted and sad, sweating from running and still clutching a bottle of cheap vodka that he nicked from the party. All he wants to do his cry for days but nothing escapes, just a dry whimper as he gently places the bottle next to him, pulling his knees to his chest.</p>
<p>He doesn’t think this could get any worse, he really doesn’t. He can’t believe he even agreed to go to that stupid party with his friends. They should have known better, to force someone like him into a setting like that. It didn’t matter that they were in college now. For Armin he was always going to be that geeky kid who knew too much information and had no concept of when and where to share it. </p>
<p>The worst part was that Eren only made him go because he thought it would be a good chance to get close to Annie, Annie Leonhardt. Eren had decided to play matchmaker and get him to interact with Annie at Bertholdt and Reiner’s party. He claimed that watching Armin pine after her from a distance was making him sad. If he only knew how sad Armin was.</p>
<p>To enact his plan Eren made him try some different clothes to catch her attention. Armin’s outfits of choice usually amounted to cardigans, T-shirts with book quotes or videogames on them, and jeans. Somehow though, Mikasa and Eren had managed to shove him into some black, ripped, skinny jeans, and a band tee from who ever the fuck he knew. Eren said it didn’t matter if he knew them or not, as he forced Armin’s arms into a reddish flannel. Mikasa was excited to finally put him in some Doc Martins and some eyeliner. </p>
<p>After all was said and done, he didn’t even recognize himself. He looked more like Bertholdt than he did himself. The thought made him bitter.</p>
<p>The worst part happened at the party. Armin had no problem talking to Annie, which Eren thought was wonderful. So when Armin excused himself to get a refill of his drink, he didn’t expect some sleaze to try and hit on Annie. Not that Annie needed any help dealing with dudes like that. No, what threw Armin off was Bertholdt appearing beside Annie and casually announcing to everyone that Annie and he were perfectly happy with each other and didn’t need a third. When the sleazeball claimed he was joking, Armin watched in increasing horror as Annie gently brought Bertholdt down for a kiss. </p>
<p>Whatever happened next didn’t matter because Armin was pushing past people to reach the front door.</p>
<p>Armin collapsed outside on the porch, trying desperately to regulate his breath and stop the tears that stung at the edge of his eyes. He stayed outside for a while, clutching tightly at the bottle of cheap vodka he had been about to pour into his glass. He’s so concentrated on himself that he doesn’t hear when someone approaches him from behind.</p>
<p>“Armin?” A man whispered but to Armin it sounds loud and he whips his head towards it. His eyes widen when he sees it’s Bertholdt looking at him with furrowed brows, his head slightly tilted.</p>
<p>“Armin, are you okay? How long have you been out here.” Bertholdt asked, and Armin hates how worried he sounds. He doesn’t want anyone near him, he doesn’t want anyone to see him, or worry about him, not right now. Not like this. Not Bertholdt.</p>
<p>“Not, not, um, not long. I just, it was hot inside and my head started to spin, so, so I came out here for fresh air.” He tried to explain, the lies falling out of his mouth like a ritual. He knows how to keep people at bay. He needs to.</p>
<p>“Oh okay. You look different, I don’t think you’ve ever worn something quite like that before.” Armin lifted his head, hating how hopeful he suddenly got at the observation. He gazed into Bertholdt's eyes and relished in how nice they made him feel.</p>
<p>“Oh, yeah, um Eren said I should try this style.” He offered as an explanation, hoping he didn’t appear too much like an excited puppy.</p>
<p>“You really shouldn’t listen to Eren about fashion, he’s not the best.” He teased. Armin forced out a small laugh, feeling his chest tighten at how stupid he’s been. He saw what happened inside, he had no chance. He pulled at the sleeves of his borrowed flannel.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I should have thought about that.” He answered half-heartedly, lowering his gaze to the chipping wood of the porch.</p>
<p>“Are you sure you’re okay? You look exhausted. Or is that eyeliner? Wow, you really went full out. If you want I could give you pointers, it’s always a little tricky the first time around.” He made it sound so nice and friendly, the offer. Armin wanted nothing more than to just give in and accept, even though he couldn’t care less about the eyeliner or the band on his shirt. But he couldn’t, Bertholdt only saw him as a friend. </p>
<p>“I’m fine, really, I just.” He shook his head, wanting to scream and cry, throw up and run.</p>
<p>“Actually I’m just going to go home. I don’t think any of this is really for me at the moment. Thanks for inviting me though.” He rushed out of his lips, the panic building once more in his chest. He wants to go home, away from Bertholdt and Annie, and his friends and this stupid fucking party. He wants to rip off these stupid clothes that make him feel like a clown and an imposter and pathetic. He just wants to go.</p>
<p>“Armin, are you sure? Do you want me to get Eren or Mikasa?” Bertholdt stepped closer, his face returning to the same worried expression he wore when he first saw Armin outside. </p>
<p>“No, no. Um, I’m fine. I don’t want to ruin their fun. Thanks again, really.” Is all Armin offered before bolting down the steps of the porch and running into the street. </p>
<p>He’s glad for once that he lives so close by. He can only imagine the spectacle he must seem, running down the street with a half a bottle of cheap vodka and tears running down his face.</p>
<p>The only thing he hopes for is that Bertholdt didn’t see his eyes water up. </p>
<p>He has just gotten through the door of his apartment after sliding down the door with the bottle still in his hand, trying to catch his breath when his phone rings. Begrudgingly he takes it out of his pocket and sees Eren’s name light up the screen. He sighs heavily, clears his throat and answers it as calmly as possible.</p>
<p>“Hello?” He asked, silently praying that the music drowns out how raw his voice sounds.</p>
<p>“Armin, where did you go? Bertholdt told me you just ran home?” Eren sounds out of breath. Armin can hear the party in the background, the booming music and the sound of drunken laughter. He doesn’t hear Bertholdt.</p>
<p>“Eren, listen, it's fine. I’m fine. I wasn’t really feeling the party. I just wanted to come home. That’s all.” </p>
<p>“Do you want Mikasa or I to come over?” He remembered how excited Eren had been about this party. Even Mikasa had shown interest in the party, but that might have been more due to her and Eren being an official couple now. He hits his head against the door. He can’t bring himself to call them from their fun. He refuses to burden them with his insecurities and broken heart.</p>
<p>“No, Eren. I’m fine, enjoy the party. Please, for me.” </p>
<p>“Armin, are you really okay?” Eren asked, the seriousness in his tone causing Armin to wish he could disappear.</p>
<p>“Listen, Eren, I’m fine. Really, enjoy your night. I’ll talk to you in the morning.” He answered, forcing a happy lilt in his voice.</p>
<p>“Promise?”</p>
<p>“I promise.”</p>
<p>“Okay… Armin, I’m sorry about Annie and all. I know you really liked her.” Armin almost loses all sense at the cruel irony. Truly he’d laugh if he could be sure he wouldn’t start crying immediately afterwards.</p>
<p>“Eren, it’s okay, really. Sometimes things just… aren’t meant to be, you know.” </p>
<p>“Okay. Alright. Goodnight Armin, sleep tight. ”</p>
<p>“You too.”</p>
<p>“Love you, Min.”</p>
<p>“Love you too, dork.” He murmured into his phone.</p>
<p>When he heard the tell-tale tone of the call ending, Armin let his phone fall onto the floor, barely registering the sound of the screen cracking. Instead he wrapped his arms around his knees and bowed his head as he finally let his tears fall once more. He knew that heartbreak was brutal and painful. He’d seen Eren and Mikasa dance around each other and others all throughout high school. He just didn’t think it would be as earth shattering to lose someone who never even belonged to you. He feels the heaviness settle in his chest and loneliness creep into his bones as the only sounds that surround him are his sobs echoing off the walls. </p>
<p>He only squeezed his legs tighter.</p>
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